Category Archives: Extracts from great works of fiction

Kleinzeit by Russell Hoban

A shadowy figure in front of a doorUp and Down

Nothing but large beautiful girls here, thought Kleinzeit as he took off his pyjamas and put on a gown that tied airily behind. So healthy, too. Each one seemed to confine her energy with difficulty inside her close fitting skin. Such rosy cheeks! The room was bleak with cold hard surfaces, heavy machinery.

‘Right,’ said the X-Ray Room Juno. ‘We’re going to do a Bach-Euclid on you. We do it two ways.’

‘You mean…’ said Kleinzeit.

‘Down your throat and up your bum,’ said the comely handmaiden of the see-through machine. ‘Drink this, all of it. Cheers.’

Kleinzeit drank, shuddered.

‘Now lie here on the table on your side and spread your cheeks.’

Kleinzeit shrank, spread his cheeks, was buggered by a syringe and pumped full of something. Role-reversal, he thought. Kinky. He felt blown-up to the bursting point.

‘Stay on your side. Deep breath. Hold it,’ said Juno. Thump. Click.

‘I’m going to crap all over this table,’ said Kleinzeit.

‘Hold it, not yet,’ said Juno. Thump. Click. ‘There’s a loo next door. Not long now.’ Thump. Click. ‘Right. You can relieve yourself now, then come right back.’

Kleinzeit exploded in the loo, came back a shadow of himself.

‘Stand up here,’ said Juno. ‘Elbows back, deep breath.’ Thump. Click. ‘Side view now.’ Thump. Click. ‘All finished. Thank you, Mr Kleinzeit.’

‘My pleasure,’ said Kleinzeit. Must it end like this, he thought. After such intimacy!

He went back to his bed all worn out, fell asleep. While he was asleep the red-bearded man from the Underground got into his head.

Nice place you’ve got here, he said inside Kleinzeit’s head.

I don’t know you, said Kleinzeit.

Don’t come the innocent with me, mate, said Redbeard. He took a sheet of yellow paper out of a carrier-bag, wrote something on it, offered it to Kleinzeit. Kleinzeit took the paper, saw that it was blank on both sides.

Remember? said Redbeard.

Remember what? said Kleinzeit, and woke up with his heart beating fast.